STEP FOUR

Made a searching and fearless
moral inventory of ourselves.

Let us examine our ways and test them,
and let us return to the Lord.
(LAM. 3:40)

Understanding Step Four

If we lived alone and were unable to see, we would be faced with a number of special needs. For example, we might find it difficult to clean our home thoroughly by ourselves. We might ask a sighted friend to come over and help. This friend would see areas in need of cleaning that we had missed. Our friend would point these problems out and then, we hope, help us clean them.

In Step Four we realize there are areas of our lives that need attention. We also realize that we cannot see all those areas. Denial has kept us blinded to the dirt in our corners. Low self-esteem has kept us ignorant about the beauty and worth of our lives. In this step, our Higher Power comes to us as a caring friend. God opens our eyes to the weaknesses in our lives that need changing and helps us to build on our strengths.

Working Step Four

Just as any business would take inventory of its stock, we take inventory of our lives in Step Four. With clipboard in hand, we walk down the aisles of our lives and note areas of weakness and strength. When we come to relationships, we take stock of the resentments and grudges, but we also examine our loving and healthy relationships. When we come to our communication, we note the lies, but we also list the positive ways we share with others. In this process we can look to God for guidance. He knows the contents of our warehouse far better than we do.

Preparing for Step Four

We prepare for Step Four by recognizing the fact that, to some degree, denial has been operating in our lives. We prepare by asking God for the courage to face those areas that have been protected by denial. And we prepare for Step Four by planning to nurture ourselves during and after the inventory process.

Prayer for Step Four

Dear God,
It is I who have made my life a mess. I have done it, but I cannot undo it. My mistakes are mine, and I will begin a searching and fearless moral inventory. I will write down my wrongs, but I will also include that which is good. I pray for the strength to complete the task.

Step Four begins the growth steps of our journey. Here, we examine our behavior and expand our under
standing of ourselves. The adventure of self-discovery begins with Step Four and continues through Step Seven. During these next four steps, we will prepare a personal inventory, discuss it with others in the program, and invite God to remove our shortcomings. Being totally honest in preparing our inventory is vital to the self-discovery that forms the foundation of our recovery. This honesty allows us to remove the obstacles that have prevented us from knowing ourselves and truthfully acknowledging our deepest feelings about life.

Step Four helps us get in touch with our "shadow," that part of us that we have hidden away for so long—our repressed nature. In the process of making our inventory, we will develop and broaden our understanding of our behavior. We will see that our "shadow" is an integral part of our nature and must be accepted by us. This part of our nature hides our resentments, fears, and other repressed feelings. As we begin to see ourselves, we will learn to accept our whole character—the good and the bad. This acceptance will free us to discover survival behaviors that began in childhood. In the context of our turbulent early years, these behaviors were lifesaving. However, their continuation into our adulthood renders us dysfunctional.

Denial is a key survival skill that we learned early in childhood. It stunted our emotional growth by keeping us in a make-believe world. We often fantasized that our situation was better than it really was. Denial protected us from our feelings and helped us repress the pain of our family environment. Our shame and guilt caused us to be silent, rather than to be honest and face the fear of being ridiculed by others. This withdrawal hindered us from developing into mature, emotionally healthy adults. As our self-discovery unfolds, we begin to recognize the role that denial has played in our lives. This realization is the basis for our acceptance of the truth of our personal history.

Resentment and fear are two issues that need to be dealt with before we can begin the process of preparing our inventory. Our resentment toward people, places, and things that have injured us keeps us preoccupied and limits our ability to live in the present moment. Resentment results from hiding the bitter hurts that have tarnished our lives. It evokes anger, frustration, and depression. When our resentments are unresolved, we risk developing severe physical and mental illnesses.

Fear limits our ability to be rational. When fear is present, it is difficult to see situations in their true perspective. Fear is the root of other repressive and painful feelings. It prevents us from expressing ourselves honestly and stops us from responding in appropriate ways to threatening situations. So to change our behavior, we must first face and accept our fears. By acknowledging our fearful nature, we can expect a temporary loss of self-esteem; fortunately, this will return as we become more willing to rely on God.

Preparing our inventory requires that we look to God for guidance. We renewed our relationship to our Higher Power in Steps Two and Three, and now we ask God for help. We will look closely at our personal histories and acknowledge what we see in them. As the process unfolds, we will recognize the need for change. This task will be much easier if we just remember that God is with us. With God's help, we can courageously review our strengths and our weaknesses.

Step Four gives us the opportunity to recognize that certain skills, acquired in childhood, may be inappropriate in our adult lives. Blaming others for our misfortunes, denying responsibility for hurtful behavior, and resisting the truth are behavior patterns we must discard. These particular learned behaviors were developed early in life and have become character defects. We look at them now and feel troubled. Painful memories may return. Our willingness to be honest about what we uncover will give us the clarity of mind that is vital for our continued recovery.

Putting our thoughts on paper is valuable and necessary when completing Step Four. The process of writing focuses our wandering thoughts and allows us to concentrate on what is really happening. It often causes repressed feelings to surface and gives us a deeper understanding of ourselves and our behavior. We need to accept whatever we discover, knowing that this discovery is merely another step toward a healthier life. We must be honest and thorough to complete Step Four successfully. With God's help and our personal courage, we can expect to receive limitless benefits.

LOOKING TO SCRIPTURE

Denial stems from our childhood environment, which we were unable to control. This was our way of dealing with the confusion, instability, and violence of the adults around us. We rationalized what was happening and invented acceptable reasons for their unacceptable behavior. By doing this, we ignored the chaos and denied the overwhelming problems. As we matured, our denial continued to protect us from the need to face reality.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? "I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve." JER. 17:9-10

Attempting to survive the chaos by denying its existence fosters deceit and illusion.

The power of denial is illustrated in the Bible when Peter denies Christ. Because of his great love for Christ, Peter thought it inconceivable that he could deny Christ. However, when Peter was confronted with the situation, it was easier for him to deny Christ than it was to admit being a follower and face the consequences. When Peter realized what he had done, he was devastated. In much the same way, when we realize what denial has done to us, we experience feelings of self-hatred, which need to be acknowledged and resolved.

While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant ...saw Peter warming himself... "You also were with that Nazarene, Jesus," she said. But he denied it...and went out into the entry way. When the servant saw him there, she said again to those standing around, "this fellow is one of them. "...He began to call down curses on himself, and swore... Immediately the rooster crowed.. And
he broke down and wept. MARK 14:66-72

When we fear the consequences of telling the truth, we are inclined to tell lies.
Denial has many faces and can be easily masked. Some recognizable forms are:

Simple Denial: To pretend that something does not exist when it really does (e.g., discounting physical symptoms that may suggest the presence of problems).

Minimizing: To acknowledge a problem, but refuse to see its severity (e.g., admitting to an overusage of prescription drugs when in fact there is overt addiction).

Blaming: To recognize the problem, then blame someone else for its cause (e.g., blaming others for your tendency to isolate).

Excusing: To offer excuses, alibis, justifications, and other explanations for our own or others' behavior (e.g., calling in sick for a partner when the actual cause of the absence is drunkenness).

Generalizing: To deal with problems on a general level, which typically avoids personal and emotional awareness of the situation or conditions (e.g., sympathizing with a friend's unemployment when you know the underlying cause is irresponsibility).

Dodging: To change the subject to avoid threatening topics (e.g., talking about the weather when your spouse is discussing the overdrawn checkbook).

Attacking: To become angry when reference is made to the existing condition, thus avoiding the issue (e.g., arguing about work conditions when the boss addresses tardiness).

If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. GAL. 6:3-5

Our pride can limit our capacity to be honest and is a critical element in making our searching and fearless moral inventory.

Taking a personal inventory is similar to cleaning a closet. We take stock of what we have, examine what we want to save, and discard what is no longer useful or appropriate.

It doesn't have to be done all at once, but it must be done eventually. If we take small sections at a time, the cleaning is more thorough and the longterm results are better. In the same way that clothes can trigger memories of the past, our inventory may provoke both positive and negative memories. We must remember that the past is only history. It is not the purpose of our inventory to dwell on the past. Nor is it to examine the past for purposes of assigning or accepting blame. This reflection is only a tool to help us understand our current behavior patterns. Reflection on the past can give us insights into our present struggles and our enduring weaknesses. Our main concern now is for our future. We can lessen our fears surrounding this task by approaching the inventory in this manner.

Let us examine our ways and test them, and let us return to the Lord. LAM. 3:40

Personal examination of our lives will give us insight into the ways in which we have turned away from God and become self-destructive.

In Step Four, we will get in touch with many behaviors and attitudes that have been with us since childhood. Our growing awareness about the way we were raised will help us understand that our present behaviors are natural outgrowths of our early need to survive. As adults, we now can choose a different lifestyle for ourselves. We can learn to conduct ourselves in a way that is nurturing to us. As we look at our strengths and weaknesses, we will become aware of the areas of our lives that need to be strengthened. We can use the inventory to decide which areas of our lives need changing, and which areas seem the way we want them to be.

Search me, 0 God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thought. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way ev¬erlasting. PS. 139:23-24

We extend our trust in God by asking him to be part of our process of self-discovery.

Our next task is to look at resentment and recognize how damaging it is to us. It is the number one offender and often the major cause of spiritual disease. As we list our resentments, we see how they have affected our self-esteem, our well-being, and our personal relationships. Holding on to resentment causes stress, anxiety, and uncontrollable feelings of anger. If these are unresolved, serious emotional and physical consequences will develop. If we allow our resentments to prevail, serious depression can develop and ultimately destroy us.

My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent, and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. JAMES 1:19-21

Resentment and anger keep us focused on the person or situation causing the negative feelings and prevent us from accepting God's promise of healing.

The second most destructive offender is fear. It is the emotion we most strongly feel when we begin to look at ourselves. When fear is present, our need to deny, ignore, and avoid reality increases. Our unrealistic perspective becomes greatly exaggerated and intensifies our emotional responses. Fear can cause us much pain. It attacks us physically and causes feelings that range from apprehension to panic. When fear is present, we may become nervous, nauseated, or disoriented. As we inventory our fears, we may discover that they are a direct result of our inability to make decisions.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 JOHN 4:18

The guilt and shame we feel about our past behaviors may inhibit our ability to conduct a thorough inventory. God's love for us will remove our fear.

Facing our resentments and fears requires a great deal of courage. Our past tendency has been to shut down our feelings. Now we begin to look at areas of our lives that we have never explored before. It is important to realize that God is with us and will help us every step of our way. With God's help and understanding, the pain will diminish.

Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? And I trust that you will discover that we have not failed the test. 2 COR. 13:5-6

Our faith grows as we examine ourselves and see how Jesus Christ is present in our lives.

As part of the Step Four inventory, we will look at our character traits and see our strengths and weaknesses. Our strengths appear in behavior that has positive effects on us as well as on others, weaknesses are revealed in behavior that is destructive. Understanding begins when we discover how we became the people we are—how we formulated the ideas, beliefs, and attitudes that govern how we act.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.
EPH. 4:31

Unexpressed feelings will contaminate the peace and serenity for which we strive.
Our inventory may prove difficult. If we are blocked, denial may be operating. We need to stop for a moment, reflect on what we are attempting to do, and analyze our feelings. We must also ask God for help. In times like this, God's presence means a gread deal to us, and we must be willing to look to him for support.
I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fail. LAM. 3:19-22

God's love will lead us through the darkness of the past and into the light of a new life.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. JAMES 1:12

Our courage grows as we complete our personal inventory and triumph over the temptation to avoid facing the truth of our past.

The inventory we are preparing is for our own benefit, not the benefit of others. It will help us make a major breakthrough in our self-acceptance and lead us further along the road to recovery. As we go to Steps Five, Six, and Seven, the process continues to unfold as we acknowledge the truth about ourselves, discuss it with others, and, finally, ask God to remove our shortcomings.

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy lan¬guage from your lips. COL. 3:5-8

Our Fourth Step inventory will help us realize how far we have strayed from God's way. It is our first step toward putting the past to rest.

KEY IDEAS

Moral Inventory: A moral inventory is a list of our weaknesses and our strengths. In this text the weaknesses are also referred to as wrongs, character defects, faults, and shortcomings. This inventory is something we prayerfully accomplish with God's help. It is for our benefit.

Survival Skills: Survival skills are those familiar defenses that we developed to protect ourselves from the chaos of our childhood homes. These early childhood survival skills followed us into adult life and added to our struggles.

Denial: Denial is a key survival skill that we learned in early childhood. We protect ourselves by pretending that nothing is wrong and that our lives are fulfilling. We ignore the real problems by replacing them with elaborate explanations, rationalizations, and distractions such as minimizing, blaming, excusing, generalizing, dodging, and attacking.

Resentment: Resentment is a major roadblock to recovery that must be removed. Resentment is the bitterness and anger we feel toward those whom we perceive as threats to our security or well-being or those who have caused us harm. If not removed, our resentments hinder our progress and growth.

Fear: Fear is often our first response to anything new. We meet change with fear because we feel threatened by so many things. Fear creates a physical response that begins with the release of adrenaline and ends with the whole body on alert. This alerted state often leads to persistent and unwanted tension and can develop into stress-related illness.

Shadow: Although "shadow" may sound odd or like unfamiliar Christian terminology, the idea of a battle between light and dark is a biblical truth. When St. John speaks of Christ's coming he describes Christ as light. The idea of darkness and shadow illustrates the evil side of this world and the corrupt nature in ourselves. "Shadow" refers to the darkness we carry within us. Just as our shadow follows our every move, our dark side or fallen nature is always with us. Our shadow is most evident when contrasted with the light of day. Our old, fallen nature is very noticeable when we stand beside God's light, the Bible. Take time to read John 1:1-9, Romans 7:7-25, and 1 John 1:5-7.

IMPORTANT GUIDELINES IN PREPARING YOUR INVENTORY

The materials offered in this Step Four Inventory Guide is different from the inventory guides used in other Twelve-Step programs. They emphasize those feelings and behaviors most commonly seen in adults from homes where substance abuse or other damage-inducing behavior was prevalent. When preparing your inventory, choose the traits that specifically apply to you. Don't tackle them all at once. For now, only work on the ones that you feel comfortable doing. Come back to the difficult ones later. Focus on recent events and record words and actions as accurately as possible. Take your time. It's better to be thorough with some than incomplete with all.

The inventory begins with exercises on resentments and fears, followed by a series of feelings and behaviors to be examined. This process prepares you for Step Five. You are the primary beneficiary of your honesty and thoroughness in this inventory. It is important to refrain from generalizing. Be as specific as possible.

Following the section on character weaknesses there is an opportunity to list your character strengths. This chapter also includes an "Additional Inventory" to record your weaknesses and strengths that were not listed in the text.

NOTE: Step Ten includes a special inventory to measure your progress from the Step Four inventory.

RESENTMENT

Resentment is an underlying cause of many forms of spiritual disease. Our mental and physical ills are frequently the direct result of this unhealthy condition. No doubt others have harmed us, and we have a legitimate right to feel resentful. However, resentment doesn't punish anyone but ourselves. We can't hold resentments and find healing at the same time. It's best released by asking God for the strength to forgive the offender. Learning to deal with resentment in a healthy way is an important part of our recovery process.

When we resent, we may be:
Feeling injured 
Feeling left out
Feeling violated 
Retaliating
Experiencing low self-worth 
Angry/Bitter

Consider situations where resentment is a problem for you.
Example: I resent my boss because he doesn't care to hear my explanation of why I am depressed. This affects my self-esteem. This activates unexpressed anger. This makes me feel even more depressed.

Self-Evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does resentment negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten in¬dicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

FEAR

Fear is an underlying cause of many forms of spiritual disease. It is the first response we feel when we aren't in control of a situation. A wide range of mental and physical ills are frequently the direct result of this unwholesome emotion. Fear often prevents us from seeing options to effectively resolve the issues causing the fear. Learning to acknowledge fear in a healthy way is an important part of our recovery process.

When we fear, we may be:
Feeling threatened 
Resisting change
Fighting for survival 
Facing our mortality
Experiencing rejection 
Anticipating loss

Consider situations where fear is a problem for you.
Example: I fear my spouse because I feel that I am never able to please him/her. This affects my self-esteem and sexuality. This activates my fear of abandonment. This makes me feel worthless and angry.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

INAPPROPRIATE ANGER

Anger is a major source of many problems in the lives of adults who were reared in chaotic homes. It is a feeling that we often suppress, because admitting it makes us uncomfortable. In our chaotic homes, the turmoil was so intense that we either denied our anger or expressed it inappropriately. We felt it was safer to protect ourselves and simply hoped our feelings would go away. We were not aware that repressed anger could lead to serious resentment and depression. It causes physical complications that can develop into stress-related illnesses. Denying anger or expressing it inappropriately causes problems in relationships because we cannot be truthful about our feelings and must always be pretending.

When we inappropriately express anger, we may experience:
Resentment 
Depression
Self-Pity 
Jealousy
Anxiety 
Stress

Consider situations where anger is a problem for you.
Example: I inappropriately express anger toward my son because I am embarrassed by his behavior. This affects my self-worth. This activates my fear of rejection. This makes me feel imcompetent as a parent.

Self-Evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does anger negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

APPROVAL SEEKING

Because of our dysfunctional upbringing, we fear disapproval and criticism. As children, we desperately wanted to receive approval from our parents, grandparents, siblings, and significant others. As a result we were constantly seeking validation of ourselves. This need for approval continued into adulthood and seriously affected the way we pattern our lives and thinking around the needs of others. Rather than look for approval in a positive way, we seek validation in order to feel better about ourselves. This keeps us out of touch with our own feelings and desires, and prevents us from discovering our own wants and needs. We look for reactions in others, and attempt to manage their impression of us. We constantly strive to please everyone and often stay in relationships that are destructive to us.

When we need approval from others, we may be:
People pleasing 
Feeling unworthy
Fearing criticism 
Ignoring our own needs
Fearing failure 
Lacking confidence

Consider situations where approval seeking is a problem for you.
Example: I seek approval from my friends because I want to feel better about myself. This affects my relationship with my friends. This activates my fear of rejection. This makes me feel like I'm not important to anyone.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does approval seeking negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

CARETAKING

As children, we frequently assumed the responsibility for concerns and problems of others that were far beyond our capability to handle. As a result, we were deprived of a normal childhood. The unrealistic demands placed on us, and the praise we received for being "little adults," made us believe we had Godlike powers. Taking care of others boosted our self-esteem and made us feel indispensable. It gave purpose to our lives. As caretakers, we are most comfortable with chaotic situations where others assure us that we are needed. Although we often resent others for taking and not giving, we are unable to allow others to care for us. We don't experience the joy of taking care of ourselves.

As caretakers, we may:
Feel indispensable 
Lose our identity
Rescue people 
Feel very responsible
Ignore our own needs 
Be co-dependent

Consider situations where caretaking is a problem for you.
Example: I take care of my boyfriend's financial problems because I want him to love me more. This affects available funds for my own financial needs. This activates my re¬sentment and tendency to withdraw. This makes me feel very lonely.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does caretaking negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten in¬dicates that it has little negative effect. Circle where you are today.

CONTROL

As children, we had little or no control over our environment or the events that took place in our lives. As adults, we have extraordinary needs to control our feelings and behavior, and we try to control the feelings and behavior of others. We become rigid and unable to have spontaneity in our lives. We trust only ourselves to complete a task or to handle a situation. We manipulate others in order to gain their approval and keep a balance of control that makes us feel safe. We fear that our lives will deteriorate if we give up our management position. We become stressed and anxious when our authority is threatened.

Due to our need to be in control, we may:
Overreact to change
Be judgmental and rigid
Lack trust 
Be intolerant
Fear failure 
Manipulate others

Consider situations where control is a problem for you.
Example: I control my nineteen-year-old son because I am afraid of losing him. This affects my relationship with him. This activates my fear of abandonment. This makes me feel very frightened and powerless.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does control negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

Fear of abandonment is a reaction to stress that we de¬veloped in early childhood. As children, we observed unpredictable behavior from responsible adults. We never knew from one day to the next if our parents would be there for us. Many of us were abandoned either physically or emotionally. As our parents' addictions increased in severity, their inability to parent also increased. As children, we simply were not important. Now as adults, we are inclined to choose partners with whom we can repeat this pattern. We try to be perfect by meeting all our partner's needs in order to avoid experiencing the pain of abandonment. Our need to reduce the possibility of abandonment takes precedence over dealing with issues or conflicts. This behavior produces a tense environment with poor communication.

When we fear abandonment, we may:
Feel insecure 
Worry excessively
Become caretakers 
Become co-dependent
Avoid being alone 
Feel rejected

Consider situations where fear of abandonment is a problem for you.
Example: I fear abandonment by my husband because he doesn't pay much attention to me. This affects my peace of mind. This activates my caretaking and manipulation of him. This makes me feel very frightened and vulnerable.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear of abandonment negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect.

FEAR OF AUTHORITY FIGURES

Fear of people in roles of authority can be a result of our parents' unrealistic expectations of us—wanting us to be more than we were able to be. We see people in authority as having unrealistic expectations of us and thus, we fear we cannot meet their expectations. We are unable to deal with people whom we perceive as being in positions of power. Simple assertiveness displayed by others is often misinterpreted by us as anger. This can cause us to feel intimidated and to become oversensitive. No matter how competent we are, we compare ourselves to others and conclude that we are inadequate. As a result, we constantly compromise our integrity in order to avoid confrontation or criticism.

Fear of authority figures may cause us to:
Fear rejection 
Compare ourselves to others
Take things personally 
React rather than act
Be arrogant 
Feel inadequate

Consider situations where authority figures are a problem for you.
Example: I fear my boss because I don't want her to know how stupid I think I am. This affects my actions when I am around her. This activates my need to isolate—I try to be unnoticed. This makes me feel childish and immature.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear of authority figures negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

FROZEN FEELINGS

Many of us have difficulty expressing our feelings or even realizing that we have them. We harbor deep emotional pain and a sense of guilt and shame. As children, our feelings were met with disapproval, anger, and rejection. For survival purposes, we learned to hide our feelings or repress them entirely. As adults, we are not in touch with our feelings. We can only allow ourselves to have "acceptable" feelings to stay "safe." Our true nature is distorted so we can protect ourselves from the reality of what is truly happening. Distorted and repressed feelings cause resentment, anger, and depression, which often lead to physical illness.

When we have frozen feelings, we may:
Be unaware of our feelings
Be depressed
Have distorted feelings Withhold conversation
Suppress positive feelings 
Struggle with relationships

Consider situations where frozen feelings are a problem for you.
Example: I repress my feelings toward my spouse because I don't want to be hurt. This affects my actions and limits my ability to communicate with my spouse. This activates my need to isolate and causes me to be accused of being insensitive and unaffectionate. This makes me feel very isolated and lonely.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much do frozen feelings negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that they have little negative effect. Number ten indicates that they have great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

FEAR OF AUTHORITY FIGURES

Fear of people in roles of authority can be a result of our parents' unrealistic expectations of us—wanting us to be more than we were able to be. We see people in authority as having unrealistic expectations of us and thus, we fear we cannot meet their expectations. We are unable to deal with people whom we perceive as being in positions of power. Simple assertiveness displayed by others is often misinterpreted by us as anger. This can cause us to feel intimidated and to become oversensitive. No matter how competent we are, we compare ourselves to others and conclude that we are inadequate. As a result, we constantly compromise our integrity in order to avoid confrontation or criticism.

Fear of authority figures may cause us to:
Fear rejection 
Compare ourselves to others
Take things personally 
React rather than act
Be arrogant 
Feel inadequate

Consider situations where authority figures are a problem for you.
Example: I fear my boss because I don't want her to know how stupid I think I am. This affects my actions when I am around her. This activates my need to isolate—I try to be unnoticed. This makes me feel childish and immature.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does fear of authority figures negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Num¬ber ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

ISOLATION

We usually find it safer to withdraw from surroundings that are uncomfortable for us. By isolating ourselves, we prevent others from seeing us as we really are. We tell ourselves that we are not worthy and, therefore, do not deserve love, attention, or acceptance. We also tell ourselves that we cannot be punished or hurt if we don't express our feelings. Rather than take risks, we choose to hide, thereby eliminating the need to face an uncertain outcome.

When we isolate ourselves, we may:
Fearing rejection 
Feeling defeated
Be loneliness 
Be timid and shy
Procrastinate 
See ourselves as different

Consider situations where isolation is a problem for you.
Example: I isolate from my spouse because he/she is so negative toward me. This affects my self-esteem. This activates my negative self-talk and anger. This makes me feel worthless and stupid.
Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does isolation negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect.

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

Low self-esteem is rooted in our early childhood. During this time we were rarely encouraged to believe that we were adequate or important. Because of constant criticism, we believed that we were "bad" and the cause of many family problems. To feel accepted, we tried harder to please. The harder we tried, the more frustrated we became. Low self-esteem affects our ability to set and achieve goals. We are afraid to take risks. We feel responsible for things that go wrong, and when something goes right, we do not give ourselves credit. Instead, we feel undeserving and believe it is not going to last.

When we experience low self-esteem, we may:
Be non-assertive 
Isolate from others
Fear failure 
Have a negative self-image
Appear inadequate 
Rescue or please others

Consider situations where low self-esteem is a problem for you.
Example: I have low self-esteem when I'm asked to speak in front of others because I believe everyone knows how worthless and unimportant I feel inside. This affects my ability to speak intelligently. I mumble, make excuses, and apologize for myself. This activates self-hatred and negative self-talk. This makes me feel hopeless.
Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does low self-esteem negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

OVERDEVELOPED SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY

As children in a dysfunctional home, we felt responsible for our parents' problems. We tried to be "model children" and arrange things the way we thought others wanted them to be. We believed that we were responsible for the emotions and actions of others—even for the outcome of events. Today we remain supersensitive to the needs of others, and we try to assume responsibility for helping them get their needs met. It is important for us to be perfect. We volunteer to do things so people will appreciate us. Our sense of responsibility causes us to overcommit, and we have a tendency to take on more than we can handle effectively.

When we are too responsible, we may:
Take life too seriously 
Over-achieve
Appear rigid 
Have false pride
Be perfectionists 
Manipulate others

Consider situations where being over responsible is a problem for you.
Example: I feel overly responsible when things aren't going well at work because I feel as though it's my fault. This affects my health. I'm extremely tense and I get headaches. This activates my resentment and anger. I hate these people for letting me do all the work. This makes me feel guilty.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does overdeveloped sense of responsibility negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

IRRESPONSIBILITY

In childhood, life was so chaotic we felt that nothing we did mattered. The models we had were untrustworthy and irresponsible, so we didn't know what was normal. The expectations placed on us were beyond our ability to achieve. We couldn't be what everyone wanted us to be, so we quit trying. Rather than compete with successful siblings, we unplugged, we gave up. As adults we are irresponsible. We wait for things to change before we begin to take initiative. We believe life has been so unfair to us that we won't claim responsibility for our condition. We are overwhelmed by our problems, but don't know how we can make a difference.

When we are irresponsible, we may:
Become detached Under-achieve
Appear uncaring Have false pride
Feel like victims 
Expect others to take care of us
Consider situations where irresponsibility is a problem for you.

Example: I feel irresponsible when too much is expected of me because I know that I can't please my family. This affects my self-esteem. I want to isolate and hide. This activates my resentment and anger. I hate these people for expecting this of me. This makes me feel guilty and afraid.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does irresponsibility negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Number ten indicates that it has great negative effect.

REPRESSED SEXUALITY

We find ourselves confused and uncertain about our sexual feelings toward others, particularly those close to us or those with whom we hope to be emotionally intimate. Because it is awkward to share our feelings with others, we have no opportunity to develop a healthy attitude about our own sexuality. As small children we may have heard the message "sex is dirty and not to be talked about." Some of us saw our parents as very disapproving or as totally nonsexual. We may have been molested by a parent or close relative who was out of control. As a result, we are uncomfortable in our sexual roles. We do not freely discuss sex with our partners for fear of being misunderstood or abandoned.

Due to repressed sexuality we may:
Feel guilt and shame 
Lose our sense of morality
Be frigid or impotent 
Avoid intimacy
Seduce others 
Be lustful

Consider situations where your sexuality is a problem for you.

Example: I repress my sexuality when my spouse wants intimacy because I feel dirty and unlovable. This affects our relationship. This activates my resentment and anger toward my spouse for not understanding, consequently I hate myself for being this way. This makes me feel lonely.

Self-evaluation: On a scale from one to ten, how much does your repressed sexuality negatively affect your life? Number one indicates that it has little negative effect. Num¬ber ten indicates that it has great negative effect. Circle where you are today.

CHARACTER STRENGTHS

Consider the positive character strengths you already possess in the following areas:
Emotional: Healthy feelings or affective responses to one's self and others (e.g., I am able to feel and express my love for my spouse and my children).

Spiritual: The good ways one relates to God (e.g., I have a strong commitment to Jesus Christ).

Relational: Positive and supportive interaction with others (e.g., I have a healthy friendship with Robert).

Moral: Proper ethics and behavior in thoughts and actions (e.g., I have a clear conscience concerning my business affairs).

Intellectual: Quality attention and energy devoted to mental activities (e.g., I devote time to reading and study).

Self-care/nurturing: Healthy concern and care for self. (e.g., I take time to go fishing).

ADDITIONAL INVENTORY

Take time now to consider the weaknesses and strengths that you did not consider in your Step Four inventory.